From that day on, he cleared everything up with Chang-gon. It was hardly even a relationship where “cleared up” was the right phrase, but reflecting on how he had never forcefully shaken him off each time he came on to him, Giyun blocked his number altogether. From now on, even if he came to talk to him, he intended not to respond at all.
There was nothing he could do, however, about having earned Seungjo’s dislike.
“From the next lecture… you mean I should not come?”
Hearing a bolt-from-the-blue notice from the manager, Giyun went blank. The manager only shrugged.
“Not all of them, just Lecture Hall 1, Room 203. On the schedule, the TA has been switched.”
That lecture was the main one. Why had he been replaced so suddenly?
“In exchange, please take on the OMR scanning and grading work. It is simple, so it will not take long.”
Giyun asked carefully.
“Did I perhaps make some mistake?”
“Pardon? No, nothing like that. Sometimes this happens when we do schedule adjustments.”
Waving his hands to deny it, the manager added, as if he had forgotten something important.
“Your pay is unchanged, so do not worry. The workload is smaller but the money is the same, nice, right?”
Even at the words that his pay was unchanged, Giyun’s face did not brighten. Rather than nice, it was incomprehensible.
“Anyway, the lecture is at the end, and next week is the last class, so there is nothing to worry about.”
“…”
“Then thank you for your work, Mr. Eun.”
Unlike the manager, who turned away with a gentle smile, Giyun grew grave. Because he had a guilty conscience, he could not take the manager’s words at face value. It must be because of that day’s incident rather than a schedule issue. Otherwise, when he had never requested a schedule change, it would not have changed so suddenly like this.
To change the TA when next week was the final class, just as he had said. In other words, it meant they disliked the sight of him that much. How did it make sense for the on-site TA to be barred from entering the lecture?
First, he would be pulled from the lecture, and then little by little his work would be reduced, and in that way, he would be pushed out of his duties altogether.
Admitting that he liked men had been a mistake after all. Saying the age did not matter as well. It was not as if saying that would make him look at him differently. No, he had looked at him differently. In the bad sense.
It was a lecture that Chang-gon also attended. If he was pulled from the on-site lecture, it was a relief in that at least he would not have to worry about running into Chang-gon, but apart from that, thinking that he had gotten on Seungjo’s bad side, he could not focus on anything.
After much deliberation, Giyun went to find Seungjo. He waited outside the studio for the shoot to finish, and when he came out, he bowed.
“Hello, sir.”
“Where did you learn the habit of showing up without a word?”
“I am sorry. It is hard to catch you…”
It was not a situation where he could speak in advance. Giyun did not even know his number, and Seungjo never sought him out first. If he had something to say directly, all he could do was show up and match his schedule.
“Is there any reason you need to see me outside of work hours?”
Since Seungjo did not shorten his stride even while looking straight at him, Giyun had to move his feet quickly to keep up.
“I heard I was removed from the basic lecture.”
“So what?”
“Why is that? If I made some mistake—”
“Did the manager not explain everything?”
“I only heard that I was replaced by another TA due to the schedule…”
Following the busy Seungjo, he hurriedly brought up his business. It was always like this with him. A conversation conducted as if chased, crushed under pressure. He could not find his composure. Even just keeping up with the flow was hard.
“Why do you not take it at face value? It is a schedule issue.”
“But…”
“What is your complaint?”
At the end of an empty hallway, he finally stopped walking. The look on his face as he turned to Giyun was cold.
“Why?”
“…”
“Are you disappointed you cannot have a tryst with your boyfriend in the lecture room?”
Giyun’s eyes widened as much as they could. Flustered, he was at a loss for words. Watching the rapid change in his expression, a faint crease formed between Seungjo’s brows.
“What… how could you say something like that…”
A tryst with a boyfriend in the lecture room.
Every word was appalling. Surely, he was not really thinking that. He had just been thinking it was at least a relief not to have to run into Chang-gon. The problem was that it did not feel like a mere snide remark.
“No. That has never happened, absolutely…”
“It had better not. I loathe any kind of scandal.”
At the chilly answer, Giyun swallowed hard.
“The reason I asked… there was no other meaning. It is just that there are not many lecture hours left… I only wanted to finish the work I was doing properly…”
“Well. There is no reason it has to be Mr. Eun.”
Not understanding what he had heard right away, Giyun blinked rapidly.
“On-site TA work is something anyone can do anyway.”
The low, resonant voice drove in like a nail and pierced his chest. Giyun could not say anything. For some reason it felt bitter to hear him say that anyone could replace him. It was true, and he knew it. But he wanted to ask whether he had to say it like that.
“…Then the handover…”
“The TA replacing you has worked longer than you, so there is no need. Just take care of the tasks assigned to you.”
A refusal so composed it was almost indifferent came back one after another. While Seungjo looked endlessly calm, Giyun’s head was more cluttered than ever.
Straining to get a grip on the heart that was plummeting to the floor, he offered an apology he did not even mean. Maybe it was stubborn pride.
“…I am sorry I did not live up to your expectations, sir.”
“Expectations. What a strange thing to say.”
Seungjo let out a short laugh through his nose. Unlike his voice, his indifferent gaze swept over Giyun.
“I never had any expectations of you to begin with, Mr. Eun.”
At the tranquil voice, it felt like being struck in the head. He felt he had paid in kind and received in words. Gritting his teeth, he tried not to shrink back, but a swelling urge to cry kept rising.
Lowering his head deep, unable to control the expression that was about to twist on its own, he fled the spot. He felt a gaze follow him. He thought he might call him back for leaving without a farewell. He might give him a grand scolding like earlier, asking where he had learned such manners.
But nothing happened. He did not say a word, and he did not stop him. Whether it was a gaze or anything else, it had all been his imagination.
The classes he could not hear on site, he monitored diligently through the online lectures. After hearing those words from Seungjo, he did not even want to see his face on a monitor screen, but habit was frightening. When he tried not to watch, he felt uneasy.
Up to the end of term, the lectures proceeded smoothly. A perfectly finished ending, like a work of art. It felt like a message scolding him for ever thinking that a mere TA could have even the slightest effect on his great lectures.
When playback ended and the screen went black, his foolish face appeared, reflected. Sighing, he turned the screen off. For some reason his mouth tasted bitter at the obvious fact that his lectures were the same whether he was there or not.
In this world, the person who needed him was probably… his younger sibling at most.
He turned on his phone and skimmed the messages from his sibling. The message he had sent yesterday had not yet been read. It had been weeks since they had last talked on the phone. He had heard school had started recently, and it seemed they were busier than during vacation. They seemed to be attending an academy, doing club activities, and often hanging out with friends after school.
He tried to recall whether he had been that busy when he was in middle school, but perhaps because most of his memories were of coming straight home after school to care for his younger sibling, not even cram school, it was not easy to empathize.
At first, he had worried that it might be because they hated that house and were trying to stay out, but it had also been quite a while since he had received a tearful late-night call saying they wanted to live together with him. His sibling talked about new friends, about grades, even about getting confessed to on some special day, but unlike before, they said nothing about family at all. Nor did Giyun ask on purpose.
His sibling’s world was widening beyond what he knew. He began to think perhaps they were doing better than he had thought. It was both what he most sincerely wished and wanted, and something he had not easily anticipated.
He had only been thinking he would hurry to get a job in the metropolitan area and bring his sibling to live with him. What if his sibling no longer wanted that?
If so, what was he doing here alone
“Giyun.”
“Yes?”
Snapped to attention by the sudden words from Assistant Manager Kim at the next desk in the office, he realized he was at the research office, having been working on his laptop. He immediately turned off his phone screen.
“Are you good with alcohol, Giyun?”
Since they often saw each other at the office, the way Assistant Manager Kim addressed him had grown more casual. Awkward, Giyun scratched his cheek.
“Alcohol… I am not sure. I have only drunk a few times.”
“Then how many bottles will you drink today?”
“Today…?”
“I mean the team dinner today.”
When he still looked like he had no idea, Assistant Manager Kim asked Sangbin.
“Mr. Sangbin, did you not tell Giyun about the dinner?”
Sitting across, Sangbin scratched his head.
“Oh, I thought you told him, Assistant Manager. You are close with him.”
“What are you talking about, you were the one who received the notice.”
After frowning at Sangbin, Assistant Manager Kim turned back to Giyun.
“Anyway. You heard, right? If you are not busy, come and have dinner.”
He recalled the dinner they had had last month. They said they did it every month, and it was already the end of the month. Compared to the time when the heat wave had been at its worst, now it was much more bearable, and by next week it would already be autumn.
“Today it is a dinner for the entire research team, and Team 3 specifically said you must come, Giyun. They said you helped collate the proofs so well the other time even though it was not your task. The director knows too.”
In any case, he was not an employee, and while last time he had tagged along not knowing any better, would it not be a bit much to go again this time. He was grateful for the thoughtfulness, but it felt burdensome.
Seeing his troubled face and restless eyes, Assistant Manager Kim leaned in and whispered like an ultra-top secret.
“We are going to eat eel from the tidal flats. Mudflat eel.”
He did not know what that was, but the way he said it made it obvious it was expensive. Feeling even more burdened, he shook his head.
“If I go, it will cost more money.”
“So what? It is not my money; it is the company’s.”
“…”
“This is when you legally squeeze the president.”
Absurdly, the words that they would squeeze money out of Seungjo made his ears perk up.
“That is not bad…”
It was an attractive proposal. As his eyes changed noticeably, Assistant Manager Kim egged him on.
“If you are busy, just have a bite and go. For stamina.”
“…Would that be all right?”
“Of course, of course.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“For what? Ah, it feels good to show off with someone else’s money.”
Following Assistant Manager Kim, who was smiling with satisfaction, he raised the corners of his mouth too. He knew that even if he ate not mudflat eel but eel made of gold with Seungjo’s money, it would not do any harm to his assets. Still, for some reason he felt as if he had landed a blow, at least in his heart.
Having made up his mind, he went to the break room. The interior and supplies were better than those of most cafés. Come to think of it, all of this was his money too.
He opened a cookie box he normally did not touch, took out tea bags in a fancy tin case, put them in a cup, and steeped them. Putting not one but two made the aroma strike his nose strongly. From the refrigerator he poured milk instead of water. It came in a glass bottle rather than a paper carton, and the label carried a long explanation that it was clean milk from an eco-friendly organic-certified farm. Reading the description and tasting it, it somehow felt fresher.
He was extorting him. Thinking that way made him feel a little better. It was such a petty, even paltry kind of revenge that the person concerned would not know about and would not care about, but it did not matter. Before leaving the break room, he took one Binch cookie and put it in his pocket. He reached for a Choco Pie but refrained because it was too bulky.
After work, he went with the office staff to the dinner venue. Thanks to the reservation, the fixtures and side dishes were already set in the private room. The staff opened the door and brought in pre-grilled eel and grilled it personally on the table grill. Its size made him wonder if it was not an eel but a serpent. It was so large and thick that it took time to cook through completely.
While the eel was cooking, he crunched on the fried bones that Assistant Manager Kim offered beside him. It was like eating a crispy, savory snack.
“Wow, look how fine this eel is.”
“This is crazy. I have never seen one this big.”
Cut into bite-sized pieces, the eel was grilled until nicely golden. Admiring it, Assistant Manager Kim took out his phone and photographed the table laden with side dishes and eel. Then, looking at the screen, he frowned, displeased with something.
“When I take it, it looks really unappetizing.”
“Just eat. Food that looks like this is hard to photograph nicely in the first place.”
While Sangbin chattered with a piece of eel in his mouth, Assistant Manager Kim was undaunted and moved the camera here and there. Looking over his shoulder at the dismal overhead shots, Giyun offered cautious advice.
“Assistant Manager, how about shooting from about this angle. With the light so that there is less shadow…”
“How? Like this?”
“Yes. And… if it is not a full shot, the whole grill does not have to be in frame.”
At his request, Giyun took the phone and worked hard to take photos from different angles. The result was much better than a moment ago.
“Look at this, it came out appetizing.”
“Oh, you are right. Better than the menu photo. We could sell it to the restaurant.”
Showing off the photos he had taken to the team members, Assistant Manager Kim beamed. Embarrassed, Giyun rubbed the nape of his neck.
“Giyun takes good food photos. Have you been to a lot of famous places to eat?”
“I just like taking pictures…”
In his life, this was the second time he had sought out a restaurant for the food. Of course, the first time was last month’s dinner.
Unlike the previous dinner that focused on gourmet food, this time the drinking started early. Sitting at the far end, he mostly poured drinks for those around him. In between, he also ate the eel diligently. The chewy yet oily texture was art.
Not knowing his exact tolerance, he drank slowly. He had only drunk twice at the study group meetings. The first time, he had drunk nearly half a bottle and gotten drunk, and the second time, he barely drank. Clearly, he did not have a strong tolerance, so he thought he should not drink a lot.
The mood was in full swing. When he had lost track of how many more bottles of soju had been reordered, the question that came out of the blue from across the table was loud.
“But why did you not go to college, Giyun?”
For a moment, the noise in the room, which had been boisterous, quieted. Perhaps everyone had been curious even though no one had brought it up. The gazes turned toward him. Sitting quietly in the corner seat, he could not hide his fluster.
“It is because I thought it would be better to earn money quickly.”
“Why? Is your family struggling.”
“…”
“Do they not give scholarships these days? You can work part-time while attending too.”
He hesitated. How much of his circumstances should he reveal here to satisfy others’ curiosity while protecting his pride.
“My family is… struggling too…”
Though he had not drunk much, perhaps because the alcohol was kicking in, his head suddenly felt dizzy. His palms felt sweaty.
“What business is it of yours, Mr. Sangbin? Maybe he just did not have anywhere he wanted to go.”
“Right. These days even after graduating from college people go crazy preparing for civil service exams. It is wiser not to go and prepare directly.”
“Mr. Eun, if you are appointed at your current age, you could even make bureau director by retirement.”
As the silence grew, they began to scold Sangbin one by one, trying to smooth over the topic. Thinking the mood had soured because of him, his mouth went dry. It had all happened because he had shrunk back first. He should have handled it with wit, but he could not.
Maybe it was because he lacked quick wits. He did not even know what kind of response would be witty in a situation like this.
The topic flowed naturally to other things. When no one in the room was paying attention to him anymore, Sangbin quietly said something to him that was neither an apology nor an explanation.
“I was just curious, so I asked. You are not upset, right?”
“No… I am not.”
He thought so too. He did not think Sangbin had spoken with ill will. It was just that to him, he was a person he could throw any question at.
Perhaps he had been watching the mood, because when he nodded obediently, Sangbin visibly looked relieved.
“Right. You are the one who is thinking too rigidly.”
Leaving a piece of advice as if to instruct him, he soon turned his head and joined another topic.
Rigid. Because life was rigid, his thoughts were rigid too, and that showed to others. Thinking he had a kind of shame that could not be hidden, he was newly embarrassed.
Instead of giving a belated answer to the already disinterested Sangbin that he had actually wanted to go to college too, he tossed back the bile wine in front of him. It was much more bitter than soju.
Without clearly realizing it, until then he had been careful not to get drunk, but after that he accepted whatever drinks others offered him. Without even realizing he was getting drunk, he was getting nicely buzzed.
“When is the president coming? At this rate, the restaurant will close.”
Assistant Manager Kim, saying this would really be the last, ordered more soju and grumbled. At the mention of Seungjo, he reflexively asked back.
“The president?”
“Yeah. Every time we have a company dinner with the whole group, we ask him to come. Usually he refuses, but this time he said he would.”
“…”
“Is he not coming after all?”
Hearing that Seungjo was coming, he immediately grew anxious. To calm his trembling heart, he poured more alcohol into his already drunk brain. His thinking grew hazier.
He looked over the empty dishes scraped clean in front of him. It had been a long time since he had eaten and drunk this much, and his stomach felt like it would burst. At this level, he felt he had done his best to extort him. He was thinking that since he could not do any more, he would leave.
“Hello.”
The familiar low voice brought his thought process to a halt. He could tell he had arrived just from seeing the long legs coming in through the open door.
“You are here, President.”
Despite his demurral, all the staff stood to greet him. Awkwardly, he stood up too and then sat back down.
“President, what are we supposed to do if you come now. We were just about to go home.”
“Sorry. I finished late.”
“We already ate all the eel.”
“Good. If it is not enough, order more.”
“Really? Then can we order whiskey?”
“Go ahead.”
Answering skillfully to the staff’s grumbling, he sat at the head seat that was empty. It was the seat farthest from Giyun. When people offered him drinks, he declined gently, and he stared openly. Then, when their eyes met, he quickly looked down.
“Your glass is empty too, Giyun.”
Just then Assistant Manager Kim spoke to him, which was a relief. As he received the glass with both hands, Seungjo called to Assistant Manager Kim softly.
“Assistant Manager Kim Sohee.”
“Yes?”
“Do not make Mr. Eun drink.”
Suddenly called on, she blinked at the unexpected advice. Giyun was just as taken aback. With a smooth smile, he added an explanation.
“If he gets drunk, it is a disaster.”
“Really. That is unexpected. Giyun, do you by chance become a dog when drunk.”
“Not a dog, a cat.”
For some reason, even the interest shining in Assistant Manager Kim’s eyes felt burdensome. He went a step further.
“He has the habit of jumping down from high places.”
“…”
“Thinking he has nine lives.”
He flushed for a reason other than alcohol. To think that would come up here.
Whether it was about him hugging him and saving him on the rooftop, or about him bawling like a child as he confessed his shame to him. The unreal experience was as vivid as if it had been yesterday.
The reason it was that vivid was because he habitually kept recalling the memory so as not to let it go, but being forced to revisit that day in a noisy gathering made him feel suddenly stripped bare.
Besides, jumping down. There had been a misunderstanding in that incident, so he even felt a little wronged. He had nothing to be proud of, and he would still have no excuse even with ten mouths.
“A high place… Were you hurt anywhere?”
“No, not at all.”
Shaking his head immediately, he made her tilt her head. He said nothing more. He did not intend to say more either, and watching him flustered seemed to amuse him.
That leisurely figure annoyed him. He always made his feelings swing up and down like that. He did not care about his reactions at all, and the only one who became conscious and fell apart was him.
He would definitely bring a Choco Pie from the break room next time. Shoveling more eel into his mouth, he made up his mind inwardly. It was amazing that it went in even though he was full. Perhaps a desire for revenge increases one’s digestion.
Feeling thirsty, he went to drink water, then glared at the empty liquor cup in front of him instead. Then he poured himself a drink. No one was watching him. Except for Seungjo.
If he had noticed that every time he tossed back alcohol, Seungjo’s expression hardened at once, the drink he was having might have tasted all the sweeter.
After eating and drinking for hours to the point of being sick of it, and with the help of Seungjo, who had arrived late but actively wrapped things up, the dinner ended not long after.
“Anyone for a quick round two.”
“I will head out. Rest well over the weekend and see you next week.”
“Mr. Eun, where is your home?”
“Incheon.”
“Hmm, no one here lives in Incheon. Can you go alone?”
“Of course. I will see you next week.”
By the restaurant entrance, he said his goodbyes as the staff left one by one. Just when he was thinking he should also be going, someone stood beside him. It was Seungjo.
The tip of the cigarette between his fingers glowed red each time he inhaled. He watched, entranced, the smoke billow and scatter. Exhaling a long stream of smoke, he frowned slightly and looked him up and down.
He thought he had gone home first, but perhaps not. Now that he thought of it, he seemed to have heard someone say the president told them to go on ahead.
As he stood there blankly receiving his gaze, a large sedan pulled up in front of him. The valet got out and politely opened the passenger door. Putting out his cigarette, Seungjo handed the valet fee to the staff.
“Why are you standing there and not getting in?”
Heading to the driver’s seat, he tossed the words out.
Was he talking to him? He looked around, but there was no one likely nearby. Surely, he had not said it to the valet.
Half hopeful, he got into the passenger seat. Because he watched and hesitated, his movements were slow, but he patiently waited. Seeing that he said nothing even after entering this private space, it seemed he had indeed meant him. The thought came belatedly.
“Why would I be here…”
“I will take you home.”
“So why…”
“Then who told you to drink yourself senseless.”
The voice in which irritation was clearly rising made him shrink back.
“I told you I detest scandal.”
“…”
“You have drunk with the staff. If Mr. Eun jumps off somewhere again or goes missing, that will be a big problem for the office.”
Mouth agape, he sat there blankly. Maybe it was because he was too drunk, but he still could not accept what he was saying. How did that become a reason for him to personally drive him home?
Perhaps he really had lost his mind. He was a person who spoke rationally and logically in everything.
He fastened his seat belt without a word. In any case, a chance to ride in a car alone with him would not come again. It was thanks to being drunk that he was taking him home, but even in his drunken state he regretted that with his mind fogged, he would later have difficulty properly savoring and remembering this moment.
The car interior was tidily arranged, like his personality. It stood in stark contrast to the gaudy chaos of Chang-gon’s car. The seat belt was black, of course.
“Thank you for the ride…”
He bowed his head. Losing his balance, his head pitched farther forward than needed. Perhaps he had drunk too much because his head hurt. Maybe it was just his mood, but his stomach felt unsettled too.
Looking at him, who was holding his forehead and then covering his mouth, Seungjo gave him a contemptuous look.
“If you throw up in here, I will strip you naked and throw you out.”
Why did he have to add the part about stripping. It made him feel weird. Crossing his forearms in an X, he lightly hugged his shoulders defensively.
“Is there any need to strip me?”
“I will have to wipe things with something.”
It would have been nice if he would at least say the person mattered more than the car. At the cold answer, he shot him a small, sidelong glare. Arrogantly, he tilted his head.
“Do you have a complaint?”
“…Am I not allowed to?”
“If you do, get out.”
With the initiative in hand, the relaxed attitude felt, today of all days, infuriating. On impulse, he reached toward the door handle, then changed his mind. His hand stopped in midair and clenched into a fist. He was indignant, but he did not want to get out. A chance to be together with Seungjo in a private space would not come again.
With an aggrieved, resentful face, he spoke.
“I have no complaint…”
“If you are going to lie, at least show the courtesy of controlling your expression.”
Snorting, he pulled the car out.
Pretending not to have heard, he ducked his head and fidgeted with his hands. The passenger-side door had been locked from the moment he got in, but there was no way he could have known that.
The car merged onto the road quickly. Outwardly he was quiet, but in truth he wanted to talk to him. He simply did not know what to say. The last time he had talked with him was when he had gone unannounced to stand in front of the lecture room, and that conversation had ended miserably.
Maybe the alcohol amplified emotion, but thinking of that day made accumulated hurt surge up. For him, it was probably a long-forgotten memory not even on his radar. He glanced at him. As always, the face was impassive. Without even looking his way, he spat out briefly,
“What are you staring at?”
See that? Why did he have to talk like that? What had he done wrong? Had he stolen his wallet without even knowing it?
Come to think of it, there was one thing he had stolen. Fishing in his trouser pocket, he held up the Binch he had taken from the break room like a yellow card.
“If you keep that up… I will bring something bigger next time.”
Seungjo stole a glance at the snack he produced as a warning. With a dumbfounded face, he looked askance.
“What is that?”
What do you mean what is it. It is evidence of embezzlement.
With a resolute motion, he tore open the package and bit into the contents with a crunch. Cookie crumbs scattered all over the tidy interior.
With a sigh like air leaking, Seungjo exhaled as if out of patience. He did not show much reaction beyond that, and so he did not know, but Giyun had unintentionally taken a different kind of revenge on him.
The car drove down the road without obstruction. Without sudden stops or bursts of acceleration, the driving was smooth as it headed for the destination. Had he not been on edge the whole time because he was conscious of him, the excellent ride might have made him nod off.
“So distracting.”
At the low cluck of the tongue, his shoulders flinched. Because he had been stealing glances at the hand lightly resting on the steering wheel instead of his face, he noticed belatedly that his phone kept vibrating. Watching for an opening, he silenced the weak vibration.
It seemed his sibling had finally checked his message. Expecting a reply, he carefully checked the screen and his eyes grew round.
It was an unsaved number, but the sender was obvious from the content alone.
[Giyun, it is me, hyung Chang-gon haha. You have not forgotten already, right]
[Please pick up the phone. How could you block me?]
[You seduced me first, and now you act like you do not know me. I am flabbergasted and very hurt haha]
[Were you always this cold? You were not]
[I usually do not block fate that comes to me or hold on to fate that goes, but strangely I keep thinking of you. Why is that?]
[If you are still sulking, please forgive me now. Hyung was wrong]
[I miss your body scent, I cannot sleep these days]
[If you block this number too, I will make another and contact you]
Messages were pouring in from Chang-gon. He seemed to have realized he had been blocked and made a new number to contact him. Why to this extent…? He was reading with a stunned face when,
“Whether he is Chang-gon or a damn Chang-bastard, he is noisy.”
At the low voice rumbling right by his ear, he shivered. While the car was stopped at a red light, he was calmly taking in the screen over his shoulder.
“He says he misses Mr. Eun’s body scent so much he cannot sleep.”
The obviously embarrassing messages were being shared in real time. He hurried to cover the screen, but his belated move only deepened the ridicule on his face.
“If he dies, I suppose he will fall asleep easily.”
“Why are you looking at someone else’s phone…”
“It was visible so I looked. If you do not like it, then you should have covered it earlier, or gotten out.”
He had read it all, and now, with a face that showed not the slightest interest, he stared straight ahead as if nothing had happened. The light changed and the car moved again.
Unlike the smoothly starting body of the car, the atmosphere inside was not smooth. He felt wronged and humiliated. He felt mortified that he had casually rifled through things he did not want seen as if reading a tabloid article.
“This is my private life. You may find it amusing, sir, but—”
“As if. It was so pathetic it was painful to read, so know that.”
The irritation in his voice robbed him of words. So this was what it meant to have the gall to be in the wrong. Far from apologizing, he blatantly showed his displeasure. As if receiving those pitiful messages made him a felon.
“What on earth is good about something like that. I cannot understand it. Or is it that anything is fine as long as there is a dick?”
“…”
“Then do you like me too?”
Lifting one corner of his mouth, Seungjo sneered. Though he knew it was an extension of contempt and mockery, Giyun’s heart thudded.
Clenching his fist to hide his trembling fingertips, he spoke in as low a voice as possible, afraid it would shake.
“That could not… possibly be true.”
Trying to keep calm, he fixed his gaze on his knees. He suddenly thought of the TA who had confessed and been rejected. There was nothing more frightening than having your true feelings found out.
“Please do not… mock me like that.”
“My lecture TA playing around with a student is a serious problem, that is why I am saying this.”
As if his words, full of scorn for the other, were purely about business, a seemingly cool answer came back.
Before he knew it, they had entered his neighborhood. The car body slipped flexibly down the narrow alleyways that he was surely driving through for the first time. His smooth driving felt like a reflection of his still unruffled state of mind. Unlike him, who was shaken by every word.
“…Then I suppose I should quit being a TA.”
After a long hesitation, he opened his mouth, sounding as if he would cry. He did not truly want to quit, but it was little different from preempting him because it felt as if words to that effect could come out of his mouth at any moment.
“Why? So you can sleep around without worry?”
The answer that came back was more miserable than before. His voice dropped low.
“You said it meaning I should resign voluntarily, just now.”
“Do not twist it as you please. From the start, firing you alone is no trouble at all.”
“Then how should I interpret it?”
Though the speed was low, it was the first time the car braked sharply. It stopped in front of the run-down rooftop room building where he lived. The navigation announced that they had arrived at the destination, but neither of them paid attention.
Taking his hands off the wheel, Seungjo turned to look at him. The air was chilly.
“Did you sleep with that bastard?”
Setting aside how he was suddenly using informal speech, it was a baseless, intrusive question. Were they the kind of people to ask each other such things? No matter that it was an employment relationship, no matter that he was young and insignificant.
Giyun could not understand why Seungjo wanted to humiliate him this much. Thinking this was the treatment he received from someone he liked made the shock worse.
“Why… are you curious about that?”
“I am curious. How good could he be for you to still be out of your mind even after breaking up and getting those messages?”
“…”
“When you sleep with a man, are you the one on the bottom? You look like you would be.”
Though drunk enough that his rational judgment was dull, his feelings were fiercer than ever. Shame and resentment shot to the crown of his head. He bit his quivering lip so hard the blood might stop.
“What do you gain from dragging your body around recklessly?”
His body moved before his head. His drunken brain made possible something he had never even imagined before. Unable to stand the insulting words, he finally swung his hand. His attempt to smack the mouth that poured out poison the moment it opened failed pathetically when he caught his wrist and twisted it. He raised the other hand, but it was the same.
“What was so offensive?”
He struggled to pull free, but he did not budge. His composure as he fired off dog-like questions made rage boil up.
“If I am wrong, say I am wrong.”
“It is because your words are filthy.”
“What?”
“Did you not hear? Mind your words, Seungjo.”
Though both his arms were pinned, his spirit was more defiant than ever. He stared him down. The rare slack look on his face was worth seeing. Seizing that moment of carelessness, he shook off his hands violently.
“Why? You speak informally to me too.”
A short snort burst out of him. He did not stop. Like a brush fire spreading, once ignited it was uncontrollable. If he could, he wanted to return every harsh word he had received thus far.
“Either stop caring about me completely or despise me openly. Please pick one of the two. You say it is none of your business whether I like men or whatever. Then why are you curious whether I sleep with men.”
No answer came back. Though his voice was rising, he only watched him. He wanted to provoke the infuriatingly calm man in front of him. He wanted to see him shaken somehow, even a quarter of a quarter as much as he himself was.
“Do not tell me you are curious what it is like to do it with a man.”
“That is enough.”
A low voice sounded a belated warning. When he finally showed displeasure, a thrill ran through him instead. He had shaken him.
“I will tell you as a special favor. Since you, Seungjo, say you are so curious.”
Bolder than his words that matched him squarely was the action that followed. He grabbed his collar with both hands. He meant to pull him toward him, but since his back was pressed to the driver’s seat and he did not move, it instead became him being yanked toward the driver’s seat.
It was much closer than he had thought. Their nose tips brushed. Clenching his trembling fists tight, he crushed the stiff, well-pressed shirt fabric in his hands.
With enough bravado to kiss him and get cursed out, he boldly drew closer, but the instant their faces met, his courage vanished. This was something he could not do even with liquid courage. Besides, if he had any experience at all, he could at least pretend to be telling him something.
Reality set in belatedly. He could not see how to deal with the aftermath. He had done something repulsive. He had only talked, but he had acted. It might not end with curses. He might take a beating. He might even go to jail.
Strangely, he said nothing. Even at this moment, with a face that revealed nothing of what he was thinking, he looked steadily at him. The longer he faced that face at point-blank range, the more his head spun until he was at a loss.
He could no longer tell whether the pounding of his heart was from anger or another reason. In the quiet car, all he could hear was his own heartbeat. At this distance, it felt like it could be heard. Like it would be found out.
In the end, his bravado collapsed.
“…Do not talk like that to me, please…”
Murmuring in a tiny voice, he let go of the collar with a slow slide just as he was awkwardly pulling back the face he had thrust forward without a plan.
At that moment, a large hand cupped the back of his head. With a fierce grip, he was pulled in helplessly. Without even a chance to properly draw away, this time they were close enough for their lips to meet.
Seungjo seized his lips and devoured them.
“…!”
His eyes widened as far as they could go. A tongue parted his surprised lips and invaded. There was not even time to resist. The very tongue that had made him endlessly miserable was now lewdly probing every corner of his mouth.
When his tongue root felt as if it would be yanked out from the force of the suction, a tingling, shivery stimulus wrung an involuntary moan from him. Yet even that sound was swallowed up inside his mouth.
It was a kiss that felt like being eaten alive. His mind went distant and came back again, over and over. He did not know whether a kiss was originally something that stole a person’s soul like this.
Since everything was a first for him, he had no way to know. The situation felt unreal. He even wondered if he was dreaming because he was drunk, but it was obvious that he was not, without the need to think. The scent that dominated the car, the grip that firmly supported the back of his head, the feel of the tongue ravenously stirring inside his mouth, all of it was too vivid.
The longer the kiss went on, the more the strength left his whole body. Struggling to breathe, he panted. He pounded at Seungjo’s chest with fists that could not even grip properly, but Seungjo did not budge however much he pushed.
He did not cut him any slack. Their joined mouths showed no sign of letting go. Each time he turned his head to pry a gap, he chased him like a lion after prey. With the rough, urgent motions, there was no time to swallow the pooling saliva.
To survive, he tried to draw his body back. But the more he thrashed, the more he was driven back. When provoking him, his body had been inclined toward the driver’s seat, but now he had been pushed all the way to the edge of the passenger seat. He was bound as if to be tied down, unable to run away with his strength gone. With him pressing down from right above, he was almost being buried.
What on earth was this, and why was he doing this to him? To punish an insolent brat like him… To crush the sprout so he would never crawl up again…
He did not need to go this far. If that was truly the aim, this was clearly excessive. From his position, there was no reason to commit something so repulsive.
The hand that was pinning his wrist slid under his T-shirt. At the strong sweep up his bare waist, he flinched so hard he practically jumped. He felt like he knew what would happen next, and yet he could not imagine it. All he could think was that it made no sense.
“Ha… sir…!”
When their lips parted for a moment, he clutched Seungjo’s wrist like a lifeline. At his urgent plea, Seungjo finally looked him properly in the face.
What filled his sharpened vision was the sight of the young TA under him gasping for breath.
For all that, he was calling him as if he would die, he could not even speak properly and only panted with hot breaths. The hand that wiped his reddened, swollen lips was trembling. His flushed cheeks were so hot and red that he wanted to check the skin hidden under his clothes. His pupils were half dilated.
Even in the midst of obvious arousal, there was a look of confusion that showed he did not understand the situation. There was even a trace of fear and wariness in his eyes.
This kid is not in his right mind right now. He does not know what nonsense he has been spouting since earlier, nor what is being done to him.
The reason he had deliberately thrown away for a moment under the pull of desire was returning. What had he done? With a drunk kid who could not tell up from down.
With a low curse, he pulled away completely.
At the sudden change in attitude, Giyun only blinked, not knowing why. Relief and craving, two opposite feelings, alternated. He squirmed, worried that his erection had been seen.
Cursing under his breath one more time, he yanked open the driver’s door. The suffocating heat in the car escaped, and the cool late summer night air flowed in. Before Giyun could say anything, he got out of the car.
“Get out.”
The passenger door flung wide at the same time as an unilateral notice flew in. Perched by the door, body hunched, he almost toppled headfirst onto the ground. As he lost his balance and began to collapse, Seungjo hauled him up by arm strength alone.
“Ugh…!”
“Now.”
That he kept him from rolling onto the ground did not mean he treated him with care.
Unhesitatingly, Seungjo dragged him out. He acted as if he could not stand to let him stay in the car even a moment more.
The moment Giyun barely regained his footing and stood, Seungjo shut the door without a backward glance and returned to the driver’s seat. The door slammed so hard it sounded like he meant to blow it off its hinges. It made him think it was not his own car but an enemy’s.
Leaving him at his destination, the car pulled out at once. In any case, Seungjo had brought him to his door, so at the very least he had been true to his word.
“Sir…!”
His cry, which no one heard, became a hollow echo and slipped away through the aging residential district.
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