“Quitting the study group?”
“Yeah… I’m sorry, hyung.”
“No, it’s fine. With so many people at once, even I got frazzled. I don’t know why there are so many people who want to mess around this time. Is the place cursed?”
“I’ll introduce you to a really decent study group next time.”
At what Young-hyun said, Giyun smoothed it over with a smile instead of an answer. It seemed he wouldn’t be doing any study groups now.
It was because Seungjo had talked him out of it. Fortunately, it was still early enough that dropping out wouldn’t be hard.
The only thing was, upon hearing he’d quit, Chang-gon came rushing to find him.
“You’re not quitting because of me, right?”
“Sorry? No.”
He’d quit because of Seungjo’s cutting, advice-like remarks. Though Chang-gon’s behavior had flustered him from time to time, that didn’t mean Chang-gon mattered enough for him to be conscious of or bothered by.
“Right? Then let’s go eat.”
“I already ate at a restaurant.”
“Then dessert?”
“I’m full.”
“How about a drive to help digest?”
“Uh, no…?”
“…What about dinner later? I’ll buy you something good.”
“You don’t have to…”
“Then we can split the bill? Kidding. Could you just eat with me once?”
It was as if Chang-gon would cling forever and never let go until Giyun said okay. In the end, Giyun nodded. Having one meal together seemed less of a waste of time than having a never-ending conversation. He had to eat dinner anyway, so it didn’t really matter who with.
After getting a message to come out around dinnertime, Giyun stepped out of the academy building. The moment he set foot outside, a distinctive “ba-ba-ba-bang” horn blared. He flinched and looked over. A gaudy imported car was parked on the main road. It was the one from Chang-gon’s messenger profile photo.
“Giyun, get in!”
“Wait… Why did you bring a car?”
Giyun squinted as he walked toward the body of the car. The headlights flashed so aggressively it was hard to keep looking. It felt like he’d brought a peacock, not a car.
“Just get in. Let’s go eat something good.”
“I don’t have time, so I can’t go far.”
“Why are you always short on time?”
“Let’s go to that kalguksu place over there. It’s cheap and good, and it looks like there’s no line right now.”
He pointed to a kalguksu shop three buildings over. It was a place that usually had a line, but there didn’t seem to be one now.
What better conditions? But Chang-gon didn’t look like he intended to get out of the car.
“It’s fine, we won’t go far, just get in.”
Ba-ba-ba-bang— ba-ba-ba-bang—!
When he didn’t get in, Chang-gon kept honking that what-even-is-this horn. Passersby started getting annoyed at the noise. Mortified, Giyun wanted to run far away, but if he did, he felt like Chang-gon would follow him, honking to the bitter end.
Before anything more embarrassing happened, he reluctantly ducked into the car. The inside was even gaudier. Whatever modification had been done, multicolored lights ran along the door and dashboard lines. It was like an internet café keyboard on wheels…
“Isn’t tuning it like this illegal?”
“It’s fine, I’ll just pay the fine.”
The brazen answer left him speechless. Should he get out even now? He hesitated for a moment. Then he gave up and went to buckle the seatbelt and paused again. The belt wasn’t black; it was striped green and red.
What the… A Christmas concept?
“Cute, right? Gucci-style.”
“Ah… right.”
He held his tongue. If it made the owner happy… He just hoped they wouldn’t get into an accident.
After circling the area so much it felt like they were touring all of Seoul, Chang-gon parked in the underground garage of a big mall in the next neighborhood.
When asked what he wanted to eat, he’d said anything, and Chang-gon said, How about the kalguksu you mentioned, and took him to a place that served it.
Sadly, it wasn’t as good as the place in front of the academy. If they were going to do this, why hadn’t they stayed near the academy—why waste time coming all the way here?
Across from him, Chang-gon chatted away, delighted by who-knows-what.
“You really study hard, huh. At this rate you’ll be top of your class.”
“I have to work hard. I have to pass this time.”
Top of the class? What was he even talking about? Giyun slurped down doubts along with noodles whenever they cropped up. He had no energy to nitpick and correct each one.
“But you don’t have to go that hard right now. The exam’s almost a year away. With these exams, the final sprint is what matters, you know? If you go too hard at the start, you’ll be too burned out to keep going later. So you should take it easy. Play a little sometimes.”
“…It’s not that hard yet. I’ve luckily gotten a lot of help this year…”
“No, you need breaks. You don’t rest enough.”
“…”
“I’ve studied for a long time, so I know. Studying is a marathon.”
He squared his shoulders. The area he’d mastered by studying so “long” seemed to be the locations and hours of every entertainment venue around here. Was that baseless confidence funded by his wealth?
Studying might be a marathon, but the exam is a sprint. He didn’t have the luxury of dragging things out. He needed to study like a machine, but lately his idle thoughts had multiplied. He’d just been thinking what a problem that was. He agreed with nothing Chang-gon said, but he didn’t feel like arguing, so he just sipped the broth without much reply.
“Why’d you quit the study group?”
“I guess… solo studying suits me better.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were quitting? Hearing it from someone else really hurt. Isn’t that a bit much?”
“How is that ‘a bit much’?”
“Because I like you, obviously. You could at least tell me that much in advance.”
The out-of-the-blue confession attack almost made him spit out his noodles.
“What, did you think I was just saying it? I mean it.”
“…”
“I told you then too, this is a first for me. You’re totally my ideal type.”
He was truly burdensome. He’d always been, but now he was even more so.
Still, he no longer felt guilt or indebtedness toward him. After what he’d heard from Young-hyun, he knew the barrage of confessions was nothing but a lighthearted impulse.
To get through the uncomfortable situation in front of him, he decided to play along.
“…I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“Yeah, it happens. Just don’t do that next time.”
Playing the magnanimous senior, he accepted the reluctant apology.
After finishing their kalguksu, they left the restaurant. Not wanting to be indebted, Giyun tried somehow to pay for his bowl, but Chang-gon adamantly refused. Not wanting to bicker further, he let him have his way.
“Headed home now?”
“Yeah.”
He answered, looking worn out. With all of Chang-gon’s chatter, keeping up polite responses had drained his energy in real time even while eating. He’d planned to go back to the self-study room after dinner, but they’d spent more time in the restaurant and car than expected, and now there wasn’t a useful block of time left.
“Let’s go, I’ll drive you.”
“It’s fine. Just take me back to the academy.”
He insisted on taking him home, so in the end, Giyun gave the address of a dumpling shop near his place. It felt weird to give him the exact home address.
When he reached for the garish seatbelt again, Chang-gon reached over first. As he pressed his body close to the passenger seat, the startled Giyun hunched his shoulders.
“The driver’s seatbelt is on the other side.”
“I know. I wanted to buckle you.”
With a line so greasy it made the kalguksu threaten to climb back up his throat, he slowly drew the shoulder strap across. His hand grazed diagonally over the center of Giyun’s chest.
Even after the click of the buckle locking, his hand roamed around Giyun’s hip. Sensing something off, Giyun went rigid, unsure how to react.
“The more I look at you, the prettier you are.”
“Telling a guy he’s pretty is a bit…”
“Even when I first saw you, I thought you were strikingly pretty.”
Unhearing, he just said what he wanted. Heatful lust boiled in his eyes. Should he just get out?
“It’s amazing you’ve never dated anyone. Never even kissed?”
“So what if I haven’t?”
“Then you definitely haven’t done anything else.”
There was no need to ask what “anything else” meant. The behavior and questions were plainly deliberate. Unused to someone showing such explicit desire for him, he held his breath and, in a different way, observed him.
“How did people leave someone like you alone? For my sake, perhaps?”
Maybe it was because he looked easy. Still, he envied that brazenness. You can learn something from anyone; if anything, that was a trait he truly wanted to emulate in Chang-gon.
Would a day come when he could be that brazen in front of Seungjo? Not that he intended to make reckless moves like this but at least he wanted to pretend to be unruffled. His manner was never natural around him; all his memories were of tensing up and being hyper-aware, and that self-consciousness stung every time. Maybe it was just as well he rarely had to face him.
“The first time can hurt, so you should do it with someone who’s good…”
While he was lost in thought and not reacting, the topics got steadily more explicit. Leaning on the console, he was practically pouring himself into the passenger seat now.
“I’m really good. Do you know how good it feels with someone who’s good?”
“How would I know that…”
“That’s why it’s a waste. You look like you’d feel really good.”
His intent was so obvious and blatant that Giyun found him not just uncomfortable but almost fascinating. He simply stared, curious how far he would go. Honestly, he had no idea how one was supposed to respond to this kind of talk.
“Once you do it, you’ll be totally hooked. Like you’re on drugs. You won’t be able to think of anything else.”
Have you done drugs? He wanted to ask, but decided to pretend he hadn’t heard, in case the answer was yes.
He found the routine laughable and yet wondered: how good could it be to make someone act like this? If it’s all you can think about…
If he slept with just anyone, could he push Seungjo out of his head? Excluding the burdensome Chang-gon, who liked him… just, truly anyone…
He wanted to stop thinking about Seungjo, but it wouldn’t go the way he wanted, and it was maddening. He’d never thought a first time was particularly meaningful, nor that his body needed to be treated preciously. The reason he had no experience was simply that he’d never had the time or space to be interested in anyone.
“Giyun, are you listening?”
“Yeah. You said I look greasy.”
“No, no. I said you look like you’d feel things well.”
“I don’t know what you mean. If you’re not going to start driving, I’ll get out.”
He’d waited to see how far he’d go… apparently, endlessly. At last, he unfastened the belt. Chang-gon hurriedly grabbed him.
“Wait, what’s that smell?”
Ever since that early-morning incident with Seungjo, the phrase “you smell” had become a trigger, and he flinched.
“You smell really good. Is that cologne?”
“Probably fabric softener…?”
“Got it. Can I smell?”
Fingering the hem of his T-shirt, he shoved his face into it without permission. Like a bull charging a red cloth, Giyun was taken aback. Each time he inhaled and exhaled deeply, the gust from his nostrils seemed to pierce the cheap cotton and reach the skin beneath.
“Hah, you smell so good. What brand do you use?”
“Just something from the supermarket… Could you, uh, back off a little.”
“Call me hyung, Giyun.”
“Okay, hyung. Please back off.”
He did whatever it took to say what the man wanted and pry him off. But it was as if his head was carved from stone; no matter how he pushed, he wouldn’t budge.
“I noticed before, your skin is really soft.”
After rubbing his face against the front of the short-sleeved shirt, he grabbed Giyun’s bare arm and stroked it.
“I bet your whole body’s like that. White, squishy…”
“…Ah!”
When he pinched the inside of his forearm, the bristling revulsion burst out in a reflexive cry. Overwhelmed by a feeling he couldn’t ignore, he shoved him hard.
“What are you doing, seriously…!”
“Oh, my mistake. Did that hurt? Sorry. Sorry, sorry.”
He was quick with apologies. As soon as he protested, Chang-gon slid back into the driver’s seat as if nothing had happened and tried to soothe him with a smirk.
“Sorry, Giyun. You’re not mad, right?”
“I want to get out. Please let me out.”
He tugged the handle firmly, but the door didn’t open. It was locked. Seeing that, Chang-gon chided him.
“Come on, over something like this? You’re so sensitive, huh?”
At the word “sensitive,” he bit his lip, unable to retort. What was this guy? If the other had gotten angry, he would’ve snapped back, but with that smirking nothing-to-see-here attitude, it felt awkward to be the only one heated. He had no idea how to deal with a situation like this.
“If you’re upset, you pinch me too. Here.”
“I said stop. Move your arm.”
He kept sticking his arm out, so Giyun edged toward the window. That seemed to amuse him; he chuckled again.
“Nothing I did was weird. I was complimenting you, complimenting.”
With shameless patter, he gripped the wheel. On the way back, he tossed off jokes and bragged about himself, but it all went in one ear and out the other. Giyun just endured, wishing he could get out and walk.
In front of the dumpling shop, he unbuckled. He gave a reluctant goodbye and got out. When asked his exact address, he didn’t answer. Before he could be followed, he ran all the way home.
Back home, he went straight to the shower. He shoved his tired body under the old showerhead and turned on the water. He scrubbed hard at the chest where the humid breath had fallen and the forearm that had been pinched.
The unpleasant sensation wouldn’t leave.
When he’d finally pulled away, Giyun had noticed the front of his tracksuit pants tented.
Remembering that, he squeezed his eyes shut. The fact that nothing more had happened was a relief. He’d almost been left with another trauma. He shook his head, trying to dislodge the image stamped in his mind.
Under the lukewarm water, he tried to wash away the wave of disillusionment. Sleeping with just anyone wasn’t something just anyone could do. Resolve and determination alone weren’t enough to turn yourself into a rag.
His body might not be worth much, but he had tastes and limits; sleeping around would only hollow him out and do nothing to help him forget Seungjo. With a low sigh, he accepted the painful truth.
As far as he could tell, he wasn’t born with a strong sex drive. He’d almost never masturbated. In a cramped, uninsulated home with family, the idea never occurred to him, and after moving out, he was too exhausted and busy day after day to think of it.
What if today had been with Seungjo? He recalled the things Chang-gon had said and done in the car.
“You get more and more beautiful the more I look at you. I thought you stood out as pretty the first time I saw you, too.”
“You smell really good.”
“Your skin is so soft. I bet your whole body’s like that. White and squishy…”
Imagining those words coming from Seungjo instead, heat rushed through his whole body. Something that hadn’t stirred tightened hard below.
“The first time can hurt, so you should do it with someone who’s good…”
None of what Chang-gon had said was anything Seungjo would plausibly say. The lines didn’t suit him at all, yet he overlaid Seungjo’s voice on the lewd talk anyway. He thought he would go crazy.
The urge to touch himself surged. He wanted to grab and just rub mindlessly.
A body he’d never seen under that suit materialized in his mind as it pleased. The imposing frame, the wide shoulders and chest the shirt stretched taut around, the thick-looking biceps and thighs that seemed hard as stone at a glance… things he had never imagined before…
“Ugh! Cold…!”
Instead of relieving himself with fantasy, he cranked the lever hard to cold. Under water so
frigid his teeth ached, he cooled the heat blazing to his head. In the place where desire was forcibly rinsed away, guilt and self-loathing stuck like paste.
What on earth am I doing…? How did it come to this?
He couldn’t understand himself for feeling this way about Seungjo, with whom he had neither a big point of contact nor any intimate emotional exchange.
For feeling lust for someone whose only “crime” was pitying him and helping him, he found himself repulsive. Pasting Seungjo’s image over Chang-gon and fantasizing had been a big mistake.
Was it a mistake from the start to work as his assistant? No matter how much help he needed at the time, shouldn’t he have known it would end like this?
He probably did know. He chose it anyway, calling it an opportunity.
Without knowing his place, without any idea how to handle the consequences.
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